Don’t Let Your Fears Turn Into Regret – Recent Thoughts 2
With Thanks Giving over and the winter Holidays coming up, I’ve realized just how much has change in my life in this past year And how much I’m thankful for. Most notably, I was able to move out of my childhood home and into an apartment along with my mom. I didn’t have the best childhood, mostly due to my father, but growing up, my mother was pretty great. She was kind, caring, protective, and was always concerned with my behaviors, whether I had good habits or proper manners, little bit too much so, but no one’s perfect. My mother and I get along well. This past October my mom turned 65 years old. She of course still looks good for her age and she also pretty lively. Near the end of October was the anniversary of my grandmother’s birthday. My mom recently confided in me about her fears of her age and that her mother had past away not long after her 65th birthday.
I’d be lying if I said the fear of my mother’s inevitable death (my own) didn’t keep me from getting a good night sleep from time to time. And I suppose it does for many people. When my mother recounted her experience of loosing her mother, she told me of how sudden it was, since her mother had a heart attack, and how much regret she felt for not being able to accomplish the things she wanted for her, like making sure she was well off with a nice place to live to enjoy the rest of her days In that moment I don’t think I’ve ever felt closer to my mom. Because those feeling of regret she had, and certainly still carries with her, mirrors my own fears.
What if I’m unable to provide that same sort of comfort to my mom? Or worse, what if I never get the chance because she passes away? Honestly if the latter were to happen I would be devastated. But putting that thought aside, recently I’ve been thinking about if that were to happen, if my mother were to pass away suddenly, what would I have to remember her, aside from her possessions? I would of course have the memories she’s told me from her life, the memories of moments we’ve shared, and the knowledge and lessons that she’s taught me from infancy.
While wistfully dwelling on this comforting thought, trying not to get too emotional, I realized that there’s so, so much that I don’t know, that I need to learn from her before it’s too late. Before she’s gone. So many things I’ve taken for granted, so many questions I’ve never asked, so many things that I need to know. Even if I fail miserably in my attempt to provide that comfort and security, at the very least if I ask my questions and learn what I most desperately need to, I believe I’ll finally learn how to cook beef bone soup, neatly fold a bed sheet, and maybe understand how she can be so nice, caring, and enthusiastic in such an ugly and angry world.
Maybe I’m only thinking this way because with my career and economic situation I know that the likelihood that I’ll be able to provide that nice house with a garden for my mother to enjoy is slim. But in any case, while my mother is still living I know I still have a chance. Though, for some I know that’s not the case.
I’ve decided to make a list of all the things I want to ask her about before time slips away and I miss my chance. And, dear reader, if my thoughts and fears echo yours, I suggest you do the same.
If there’s anyone one in your life, a parent, a relative, a teacher, a friend, anyone who you’ve looked up to or wish you knew more about, I encourage you to make a list of what you want to know and ask them as soon as you can before it’s too late. Yes, it will be awkward, as being real and connecting with someone usually is. But the experience will be rewarding for both you and that person. In the end, all we really have of people are their thoughts and experiences, their memories, and our memories of them. Life’s too short to live with regret, and you never know when it’ll be too late.
As always, thank you for reading. Until (hopefully) next time,