Pushing Forward

I know, I KNOW. It seems that all I ever post on here are constant apologies for disappearing for weeks or months on end. But I have a reason I suppose. That being I’m a sad excuse for a human, or at least that’s what I THINK of myself.

For months now I’ve been trying to write about depression and suicide for my mental health blog, but it’s been extremely difficult for me, mainly because writing about such a subject makes me continuously focus on my own depressive thoughts and feeling. I’ve thought about sharing my personal thoughts and experiences with depression here before, you know, get it all out or something, but I’ve found that to be extremely difficult as well since I run into the same issue of ruminating.

I’ve been stuck in this depressive rut for awhile. The only reason I’m writing now is that today isn’t as bad as an average day for me. Plus I want to explain a bit of what’s been going on in my life. (plus, as horrible as I tend to feel, I feel even worse for disappointing those that actually want to read the things I write.

This rut, or rather series of ruts, started when I lost my job back in December. A crappy part-time job that was more like a full-time job. An easy-going, boring job that I didn’t much care for. A job that was poorly managed, that I never got that 6 month raise(s) even after working there for a year and a half, AND that I was being paid less than the new hires we had over the past year. A job that said I had a multitude tardies and absences (which was completely false) and only informed me that that was the case on the day they fired me. I was obviously furious, but also didn’t care because it was a crappy job that I wasn’t planning on staying at for too long, so I didn’t fight them on their decision to let me go. I told my replacement “good luck” while walking out the door.

I didn’t feel bad or sad about it. Actually, I felt relieved, that is until I told my mother about it. She felt so sorry me. She kept telling me to cheer up and stuff, so much so that I started to actually feel bad about it. Not the fact that I lost my job, but because of the fact that I got fired from an easy-going, boring, crappy job. I felt like I failed, that something must be wrong with me if I can’t even keep a job as easy as that one. This is what started the first part of this current series of depressive ruts. (I’m working on an anthology I guess?).

Fast forward 3-4 months later. I’m not sure if I wrote about this already back in March/April, but I was almost out of that depressive slump and getting ready to write some more when a dear friend of mine and my supporter/mentor for my writing passed away. I was heartbroken, and I still miss him. He was an older gentleman, a kindred creative spirit and writer who was definitely younger at heart than he was in age. I want to do a small tribute to him on here eventually.

Anyway. I knew I needed a friend or someone to talk to. So instead of being socially avoidant like I would normally, I decided to get in touch with an old friend from high school. It was nice having another person to chat about silly tv shows, personal thoughts and feeling, hopes and dreams and stuff like that. We both had ideas for starting a business and decided to try and work together to do just that. We were even looking at a location for it.

Then one week I heard nothing from him, complete radio silence. I was kinda concerned but I figured he was just busy. After that week we were able to meet up for the last time. He detailed his feelings and recent thoughts and that he no longer wanted to move forward with our business idea. There were other reasons that he gave that I won’t go into and there were some things I could have said to correct his line of thinking, but he was pretty adamant so I stayed quiet. I was kinda relieved too though. I did some inner reflecting and realize the business I wanted to pursue was something more suited to a nomadic lifestyle. But I had suspicions of another reason why he “no longer wanted to move forward with it”, which was confirmed sometime later. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to move forward with the business, its that he didn’t want to move forward with the business with me.

Again, I felt like something was wrong with me. While I too decided that pursuing our idea wasn’t what I wanted as a career, it was his dishonesty or rather neglecting his true feelings that got to me. My trust in people was already pretty limited before, but his sleight sent me back even more. I’m waiting for someone to restore my faith in humanity, but I know that will never happen. I have one good friend. That might be one too many for me. Lol. While I would like maybe a couple more, I’m pretty socially inept and awkward these days to make new ones so…. *shrugs*

Anyway, that really hurt me a lot. I withdrew back into the shadows once more and stayed there for a very long time. But eventually, I got tired of being sad and I felt bad about not posting on my blog(s). I remembered the sort of promise I made to the people that might read my blog, that I wanted to write/make better content, and I still do.

So I started the blog back up again in July. Much later than I meant to since I was also feeling discouraged from applying to jobs and hearing little to nothing back and I was also dealing with some parental/family issues. I made different sites back in March/April for my articles on mental health and for the nerdy stuff like video games, anime, & pop culture. I wanted to make sure I didn’t burn myself out, so figured I would post once a week on one of my sites. Things were going okay for a few weeks until I had the brilliant idea to write about depression. I wanted to help inform people about depression and to share my experiences to show others who may be suffering that they are not alone.

It was also supposed to be cathartic for me. But that is NOT what happened. Instead, I was as the kids say, “triggered”. I could only focus on all the bad thoughts and experiences I’ve had since childhood till now. The more I tried to write, the longer the depression continued. Yay.

Aaaaand that’s the most recent depressive rut I’m on. (What is that, like part 3 or 4? lol). After some inner reflection and some time spent in nature, I started feeling better. I’ve gotten over this mountain before, so I know I can do it again. It just takes time.

I still want to share my experiences with depression but for now, I’m just too close it, you know? One day I hope I can do so without spiraling into a dark hole of sadness and doom. Admittedly though, just typing this little bit has helped me a lot.

EDIT: While my depression seems to have subsided for now, my anxiety has returned in nearly full force making, it very difficult for me to get some sleep without feeling like I’m going to have a heart attack or something. I’ll post updates on that in the future as well.

If you read this far I commend you for your perseverance. Lol. Thank you very much for reading! More to come in the future. Actually, aside from writing my thoughts and such, what do you want me to write or make next? Stories? Poetry? Narration? I’m really looking for feedback, so any suggestion would be great! Until next time,

Be wonderous,

Celi

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